Stealthing is the act of removing a condom during sex without consent or lying about having put one on in the first place.
‘Conditional consent’, explained in the Sexual Offences Act 2003, says someone did not consent to sex if the other person tricked them as to what the sex was going to involve. In 2019 a man who carried out stealthing was convicted of rape, confirming that because of conditional consent, stealthing is rape under English and Welsh law.
When I had that oh-so-awkward lesson in year nine where we practiced putting condoms on plastic penises, where our PSHE teachers offered words of encouragement as we were instructed to “pinch the top and slide down”, I thought it all seemed pretty straightforward.
Condom on equals safe sex (or 99% safe). Case closed.
Apparently not.
Stealthing is common. Too many people I know have had this happen to them. Yet I cannot fathom how so many men can do this without remorse or repercussion.
To the men who have assaulted my friends in this way - does it make sex that much better without a condom?
Surely, to deprive someone of their right to safe sex and subject them to the risk of pregnancy or STIs, the pleasure benefits for you must be astronomical?
To betray the person you are being intimate with in this way, there must be some big ulterior motive?
Because the only other way I imagine someone with a penis would justify removing a condom during sex or lying about wearing one is if they didn’t view the other person as deserving of bodily autonomy. They must view that person as nothing more than a hole for their dick, an object purely for sexual gratification. It is an act of such disrespect that I refuse to believe it would be done if they had even the slightest degree of respect for the other person.
As someone who does not have a penis, I couldn’t tell you what goes through these men’s brains to rationalise and justify this action.
Does it make you feel powerful?
Do you feel better about yourself by making someone feel used and vulnerable?
Is there a sort of kick that you get out of it?
I’m genuinely curious.
What convinces these men that this is an acceptable act?
How does society validate and encourage men to behave like this?
How is the socialisation of some men still so embedded in the patriarchal idea that women are lesser?
Do you know what doesn’t feel sexy? Or pleasurable?
Finding out that the safe sex you thought you were having, wasn’t safe.
Feeling betrayed and violated.
Processing potential pregnancy.
Taking the morning-after pill.
Having a messed up period because of the morning-after pill.
Being less trusting of future partners.
Having less faith in humanity. In men.
Agreeing to sex with a condom is not the same as agreeing to unprotected sex. Therefore removing a condom mid-intercourse or lying about wearing one is rape.
There are so many men in my life who I respect, trust, and admire. I am tired of hearing these stories about the men who lie, disrespect, and treat my friends like dirt. Because I refuse to accept that they are a majority group. That is simply not a reality that I am willing to embrace in 2024.
I have a brother who I love and respect. I have a father who is an amazing man. I have male friends who are empathetic, caring, and sensitive to women’s experiences. These are the ‘good men’. I know they do exist. It is with these men in mind that I cringe when I hear “all men are trash”, something I have said myself on many occasions.
These generalisations are not productive. The trashy men are hardly going to hear this as a rallying cry to improve their behaviour and become the ‘good guys’. Therefore, the only people who are affected by comments that dismiss men by assuming they are all cruel, unfeeling instruments of the patriarchy, are the ‘good men’. The emotionally intuitive, sensitive men who we want to be around. This is a tad unfortunate; we don’t want these men to absorb the message that they are inherently bad because of their sex, in the same way women should not be led to believe they are inferior simply for being women.
And yet I struggle to refrain from making such statements about ‘men’ as a whole when time and time again I am told stories of men who seem fun, flirty, and ideal until suddenly, they have assaulted a friend of mine. All women have tales of being followed home by a stranger, sent unwanted explicit photos, or being nonconsensually felt up in a club. We share them anecdotally at dinner parties and sleepovers, often with a laugh because the alternative response is too hard. This is the reality of womanhood.
I would love to stop saying, “ugh men!”, as I share a knowing look with another woman and an eye roll. But until I can walk home alone past midnight, until I can trust that if I have asked someone to wear a condom they will respect my right to safe sex, I will inevitably make these generalisations because I, and every woman I know, have too much evidence to suggest that a lot of men do behave like trash.
I believe my generation is sexually liberated to a great extent.
Sex can be intimate and meaningful between people who love each other, it can be transactional and fleeting. Whatever the circumstances and whoever is involved, it is still a vulnerable act to share your body with another person in that way.
Which is why stealthing is cruel and crushing.
To take away someone’s right to protected sex without their knowledge is wrong.
Wrong to the point that the law classifies it as rape.
I don’t wish to generalise about the men who have raped my friends, because they don’t deserve my energy. Instead, I want to draw attention to all of those people, of all genders, who have experienced stealthing or any form of sexual abuse and remind them of three things:
Firstly, you did nothing wrong. It is not your fault that you were treated this way. You did not lead anybody on to do what they did. You are not dirty, you are not to blame.
Secondly, you are not alone. People love you, people care. There are safe spaces and safe people who will listen without judgement. You don’t need to process this on your own.
Thirdly, you deserve so much better. There are wonderful people in the world. People who will respect your boundaries, who understand that we have different needs and turn-ons, and that everyone goes at a different pace. There are people who you may not know exist yet, who you could love so deeply. You will be able to restore your trust. It is possible to heal.
If you or someone you know has experienced sexual assault here are some organisations that can help:
How to find your nearest Sexual Assault Referral Centre (SARC)
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