I think we have an issue here.
I worry that young men who engage with feminism might feel they can’t be spontaneously romantic because they are too conscious of being respectful.
I watched a film called Meet Joe Black a while ago where the two love interests meet in a café. She’s just minding her business, getting a drink and he strikes up a conversation with her. Cute, right?
It’s all nice and sweet and then he calls her beautiful and she looks visibly uncomfortable. Then he offers to buy her coffee and she says she has to go, but he insists until she says yes.
Still romantic? I may have been yelling at the screen at this point, even though it was Brad Pitt. (Sorry Brad, I still love you!)
Anyway, the scene progresses, and it is romantic and lovely and obviously they’re meant to be, blah blah blah.
But it annoyed me.
She was clearly made uncomfortable by his persistent attention and yet she did actually want it? She said no to more coffee, but she really meant yes.
So how the hell, if you’re a young man trying to make a move on someone you find attractive, make that distinction?
If he’d listened when she said no and left her alone there would be no movie. So, the lesson we learn from this is that guys should pressure women into having coffee, even when they say no, and then they will fall in love?
The messages coming from this scene were definitely confusing.
I watched another film called Moxie a few nights ago, (would recommend). The guy and girl share an evening together and when he drops her home you know they want to kiss but neither of them takes the leap, so she leaves the car disappointed. He plucks up the courage to chase after her and confesses he didn’t want to come on too strong because she was this “super powerful feminist”, and thankfully she then kisses him and it's all lovely.
But it got me thinking, this is a problem isn’t it?
The young men who are conscious of respect and consent are going to be the ones who don’t take the leap, while the assholes are going to be assholes no matter what, which is an issue on a lot of levels.
Firstly, I am aware I am talking about heterosexual couples here because I feel this issue predominantly applies to straight couples. Please correct me if I am wrong.
But this is a concern. And something young women who want to be swept off their feet by a kind and considerate guy need to be aware of.
So what’s the solution?
Because I like the idea of boys who respect and ask for consent, and who are willing to call themselves feminists. But if those boys feel like they can’t be all of those things and make the first move, or just put their arms around a girl without being labelled a harasser, we have a big problem.
But don’t fear, I have some proposed solutions.
Firstly, communication. I firmly believe that all the world’s problems can be solved by communication.
If we can discuss things and be open about what we want and feel comfortable with in any kind of relationship, we can develop an understanding where everyone feels safe and happy, and where you can make a spontaneous, swooping gesture without it taking someone by surprise in an uncomfortable way. Of course this is going to differ from couple to couple, and that’s okay. Some things might feel automatic in one partnership while they might need more consideration for another couple.
Communication doesn’t have to be verbal, by the way. I’m not saying its necessary to have a sit-down debate about what feels right every time you want to kiss someone, though if you need to do that, that is valid and important. And if it’s happening in the moment, there isn’t always time! But communication is about making the effort to read the other person, take in their body language, their subtle gestures, eye contact. I think all of these little things can make such a huge difference in making sure that nobody is overstepping the mark so that we can be ‘Hollywood romantic’ if we fancy, without anyone feeling like they are taking advantage, or being taken advantage of.
Secondly, women should make the first move more.
Why should it have to fall on the guy? We seem to have this ridiculous expectation that men do the asking, they make the gestures and women just receive them. Honestly, why? Just the thought of that seems so outdated now. Why can’t women have more control over their love lives? Why do we have this strange idea that girls just sit around and wait for boys to make things happen?
Women can make the moves if they want!
I also love the idea that in a homosexual relationship there are no binary roles, there aren’t rules where one person does this and the other does that. I like the idea of having no assumed roles.
I know LGBT+ couples can be subjected to horribly rude questions like, “who’s the man in the relationship?”, as if there is some formula or tick list that you have to complete before you can form one side of a partnership. Gay couples shouldn’t have to answer this question and straight couples shouldn’t have to deal with these gender role assumptions either.
I mean it’s 2021! Have we really not progressed at all?
Men shouldn’t have the responsibility and pressure to “make things happen” romantically. It might be a good thing for some couples, but not all.
Girls, go ask him out if you want. It doesn’t make you less of a woman or him any less of a man.
Thirdly, to quote Florence Given (go read her book, it’s fantastic) consent can be sexy.
Consent doesn’t have to be some massive turn off that ruins the moment. I mean firstly, it’s the law and its bloody important, but asking for consent also shows you are considerate of your partner's emotional needs and comfort and that’s pretty hot.
Being able to create an environment where you and the person you are with feel able to stop or say no at any point is a hugely empowering thing. And this is regardless of your gender identity and society’s enforced gender roles.
This comes back to my communication point. It’s crucial to make sure whoever you’re with and whatever you are doing, all parties feel safe and comfortable.
Empowering women is so unbelievably important. We have existed in a world which has consistently objectified us, normalised rape culture and diminished our worth at every opportunity for so long now, and that has to change, but, this should not be at the expense of men.
It’s not either or. Even though some men feel very threatened by feminism, the point has never been to make men feel inferior, the way women have for too bloody long.
So, to those guys who feel the need to be extra cautious and worry about overstepping the mark in the face of the feminist movement, thank you for caring. You are amazing.
We need more men to make the effort to make women feel comfortable and listened to.
In fact we all need to care about these things. We all need to show respect and compassion.
And remember, romance isn't dead.
I hope that if it’s what you want, you feel able to make and or receive grand, swooping gestures and sweep someone off their feet, or be swept off your own!
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