If you could change one thing to make the world a better place what would it be?
For me, it would be sex education.
At the moment, schools present three fundamental messages in the sex ed department;
The only type of valid sex is penetrative penis in vagina sex between a cis man and a cis woman.
You must wear a condom to prevent the horror that is pregnancy, (insert memory of me and my other 13-year-old peers practising putting condoms on dildos of varying colours).
Sex will probably result in contracting a sexually transmitted infection, (insert endless gruesome slides of gonorrheoa and genital lice to instil sufficient fear and put everyone off sex forever).
I read a brilliant book called ‘Honest’ by Milly Evans which breaks down all aspects of sex education from labelling body parts, washing your genitals and respecting people’s pronouns. It was so engaging and well explained I think it ought to be mandatory reading for all young people in secondary school.
Sadly, the reality is that my sex education was far from adequate at school and that seems to be the norm. It’s treated like a joke - from immature eleven year olds who can’t cope with a teacher mentioning “penis” without bursting into fits of giggles, to sixth formers who roll their eyes at another patronising video where offering ‘tea’ means consent (if you know, you know), many of whom are having sex already at this point.
My sex education during sixth form was non existent as it became optional during online learning and lockdowns. As lots of people begin having more intimate relationships between the ages of 16-18, it seemed mad that there was minimal attempt to engage and support us with meaningful education at school.
But then I suppose, sex education is rarely valued as ‘meaningful education’ by schools or the government in comparison to STEM and exam subjects, and thus we have a problem.
I am nowhere near qualified to start doling out the informative empowering education that we need, but the first way to address any social issue is to raise awareness (and then delegate responsibility to those who are better teachers).
So I would like to suggest a few brilliant people and resources who have helped open up a more realistic and broad conversation in regards to sex education.
As previously mentioned, Milly Evans and her recently published book ‘Honest’ is a fantastic place to start. It’s such an easy read and her chatty, shame-free approach to discussing all things sex, bodies and relationships is really empowering. She is extremely qualified and you can also find her on TikTok and Instagram where she shares more of her fabulous knowledge.
The online sex toy retailer, Jo Divine, is run by Milly Evan’s parents and if you look up their site, as well as the shop, you may find a whole range of blogs that discuss sexual health, ‘sexploration’, periods, the menopause, you name it, they’ve probably got some helpful knowledge to impart.
Natalie Lee is the author of ‘Feeling Myself’, a memoir about shedding shame, finding sexual freedom and learning to prioritise pleasure. I am about halfway through reading this and it is excellent. Porn and its ethics, the construct of virginity, dealing with abuse and the power of the female orgasm are all things she has covered in what I have read so far. From hearing her on podcasts and following her Instagram she comes across as a wonderfully compassionate person who is entirely open about her experiences in order to provide the most meaningful, empathetic support to others.
Another discovery through listening to the podcast ‘I Weigh’ was the brilliant Dr Jen Gunter, a gynaecologist and specialist in chronic pain medicine and vulvovaginal disorders. She has a book called ‘The Vagina Bible’ which (you guessed it!) covers all things that those with vulvas and vaginas might possibly need to know. She also has an online blog called ‘The Vajenda’ and can be found on social media. I would also highly recommend the two ‘I Weigh’ episodes that she did with Jameela Jamil - a testament to how fantastic she is as the listeners wanted her back!
I also genuinely think everyone should watch Netflix’s ‘Sex Education. As well as it being a joyous watch, it imparts some great messages about the fluidity of sexuality and gender, normalising all types of sex and relationships. If only we could all have an Otis and a Jean Millburn to hand!
Okay, that list was harder to put together than I thought! Which just shows that the knowledge we need is not nearly as mainstream or accessible as it ought to be.
By no means am I pointing a finger of blame at anyone for the inadequacy of sex education for young people. I understand that funding and training can be significant barriers but when most statistics on pornography suggest that the average age of exposure to porn is 11, I think we desperately need more emphasis on this type of education.
Young people will still find out about sex and relationships - it just depends whether we want that to be through PornHub or from adults who can comfortably and confidently answer their queries and concerns.
In the Netherlands the most popular sex ed curriculum introduces discussion about bodies and reproduction with children as young as four, and its core objectives are to prevent sexual coercion, crossed boundries and homophobia, and encourage inclusivity.
If only the UK would adopt a similar approach and dedicate more time to expanding sex education. We need a curriculum that includes an understanding of gender as a spectrum, teaching people that sex is more than just penetration in a heterosexual partnership, that we should value and prioritise our pleasure rather than expect pain - particularly in relation to girls and sex, and of course much more.
There is so much stigma and discomfort around sex, bodies and relationships because society has taught us that it is taboo, but these attitudes cause far more harm than good.
Attempting to shield young people’s innocence by avoiding conversations about these topics will only make them vulnerable and ill equipped when they do inevitably come across porn or enter into relationships.
Let's start by educating ourselves, challenging our assumptions, and look for ways to share our enhanced understanding to empower others to be more comfortable and self assured in themselves, their bodies and their relationships.
After all, knowledge is power.
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