Having written a lot about the expectations on women, that are imposed by both men and fellow women, I’ve been keen to write about masculinity. Specifically, the pressures that young men face in 2020; whether there are enough male role models who promote a positive image of masculine identity and whether women’s empowerment is intimidating.
However, being a woman… I couldn’t talk about any of these things without first talking to some friends in order to gain a male perspective.
In order to write this post I asked four of my male friends seven questions about masculinity.
To begin with I asked them what they felt would make an ideal positive masculine presence.
Someone who isn’t worried about their masculinity being threatened was one response.
General confidence, without fear of judgement for wanting to be themselves. None of this chiselled jawline stuff.
Another one of my friends told me that would be, someone who shows a more affectionate or emotional side. He accompanied this by saying that the sexism subconsciously drilled into our culture has belittled people for showing emotions.
This negative stigma around expressing ourselves can be extremely damaging. Regardless of gender, I think we all feel the need to bottle things at times, partly out of fear of judgement but perhaps also out of fear for what those emotions could do to us.
It’s a defence mechanism to shut it all off.
Safer to be unfeeling, than crippled by it. Right?
Since when has being emotional been connotated with the idea of weakness?
I also asked my friends about the expectations they felt there were on masculinity and male identity.
Dominant. Breadwinner. An expectation to be good at things despite a lack of experience.
Phrases like “man up” and “cry like a girl” are still so frequently used, creating this overwhelming sense of expectation for men show their resilience by refusing to allow their emotions to ‘get the better of them’.
Another one of my friends talked about how he felt men are expected to defend themselves, accepting abuse and criticism and brushing it off lightly, because as a man you take that kind of stuff. Men will be men, right?
Men calling other men, “pussy”, isn’t only derogatory to women, but creates this disgusting comparison; if you’re seen as weak and pathetic, you’re like a woman’s vagina.
I’m not even sure what that’s supposed to mean.
Female models are becoming so much more diverse when it comes to different sizes. It’s becoming wonderfully normal to see curvy plus size women supporting the same styles as those who are stick thin. The media should be expressing diversity in body sizes, because when advertising to the masses you have to suit your audience.
And, news flash; we aren’t all one size.
But when was the last time you saw a male model with a beer belly?
Where are the male models who don’t have a six pack, who don’t practically curve inwards when they sit down? Where is the diversity in the media when it comes to male body shapes?
It’s hugely comforting for me to see larger female actresses and models, strutting their stuff in magazine shoots and on Hollywood red carpets, but frankly I don’t see any male heartthrobs who have a waistline bigger that 30”.
This idea that male icons must be ripped and muscular, enforces a huge and ridiculous pressure on young men trying to find their place in the world, as if having abs is a validation of manliness and an automatic guarantee that you will find yourself a partner.
When doing my search for images to accompany this post, there was practically nothing out there promoting positive masculine identity and exploring the need to support diversity within male bodies. Type in feminism, body positive, or female identity and the results are overwhelming. There is so much incredible stuff online that promotes all aspects of diverse femininity. But for the guys?
Pictures of body builders and Timothee Chalamet were the most frequent things to pop up.
As for whether women’s empowerment and the idea of sisterhood is intimidating, the answer I got from my friends was a resounding no. Frankly I was relieved. The empowerment of one group of people should not be at the expense of another.
There’s a song a friend of mine loves called Boy’s Don’t Cry by The Cure which raises another question.
Is there a limit on boys being emotional? Do women expect the men in their lives to have a more stoic, less empathetic approach to their lives? Do men expect that of other men?
It definitely was the case in the past that women were expected to have all these frivolous emotions that made them ineffectual burdens who couldn’t cope with anything upsetting or shocking. Men dealt with the tough stuff because simply because of their genitalia they were expected to handle the things women couldn’t. Which was pretty much everything.
One of my friends raised the idea that people are often less emotional due to their fear of judgement. He told me how society and culture have used women as a comparative measure, showing how not to be a man.
As teenagers, while we’re still very much grappling with how to express ourselves and our feelings, there is definitely a stigma around boys being more emotional.
Ridiculing is common, petty insults a given.
It’s hard enough just figuring out what you feel about things, but to feel like there is a limit to what you are permitted to express… No one should feel like that.
We have so many different freedoms that we often take for granted, but it mustn’t be forgotten that we have a fundamental freedom to our emotions.
It shouldn’t be forbidden for boys to cry.
Are there a lack of role models that support and promote a positive image of masculine identity, was the next thing to come up in my list.
Yes.
In terms of finding figures promoting positive masculinity, either we haven’t been looking hard enough, or they need to be shouting louder.
Instead of looking up to celebrities who are actively pushing positive masculinity, one of my friends talked about how he felt you sometimes have to be your own role model. There aren’t enough people promoting this positivity, so rather than waiting around for a band wagon which is unlikely to show any time soon, you create your own.
Another thing I brought up in my conversations with my friends was what fatherhood meant to them. I had to elaborate a bit for one person, so I asked him whether he viewed being a Dad as a masculine thing and whether being a Dad seemed to represent a strong male role or responsibility?
I was fascinated by his response that fatherhood and motherhood shouldn’t be split into different things anymore. Instead the word parenthood seemed more fitting because it just takes gender out of the question.
Do we need to have a “mother” and a “father” role? So often family roles are assumed because of gender. Mum does the ironing, the cooking, the cleaning, the multitasking... Dad washes the cars, fixes the broken sink, mows the lawn…
These stereotypes just don’t apply anymore.
There are incredible single Dads who raise multiple children; tackling school runs, tantrums and puberty amidst the hoovering. There are Mums who do the engineering tasks while their husbands make the meals, gay couples who split parental responsibilities in whatever way suits them best, grandparents who raise their grandchildren…
I feel like we’re drifting off topic here but the point I’m trying to reach is that having male and female parental roles feels very out of date today.
Surely the primary focus should be doing what is best for your kids while trying to maintain sanity, sleep and a social life, not who should take on which domestic task regarding gender.
It seemed to me, the replies to this question were less gender related and more in response to the idea of having the responsibility of a care giver. Something that seems like a scary yet exciting privilege to look forward to embarking on in the future.
What is the summit of masculinity, was my final query.
Thinking about it now, if someone had asked me what I considered the summit of femininity I would’ve either scoffed at them or felt incapable of answering.
However, being the fabulous people that they are, my friends came back with really interesting replies.
I see it as a mountain range, was one answer I loved. I don’t think I could put it any better, and honestly, it was a bit of a ridiculous question. Perhaps with hindsight one might be able to pinpoint the “summit” of their life; but specifying that on behalf of a whole gender is impossible.
According to society, another reply I had about a gender summit, the peak would be strength and good looks. This is the message that is blasted through the speakers known as The Media.
But as I was wisely told, there isn’t one peak. It depends on who we are and what we value in the people around us and our experiences. And surely things as impermanent as looks and strength shouldn’t be the things we crave.
So where do we find the balance?
I want women to feel empowered, and thankfully, according to my very small survey, this doesn’t seem too threatening to men.
But are we at risk of being so focused on encouraging young women that we let young men feel unable to express themselves for fear of being told they are making a fuss, or being branded a “wuss” or a “pussy”? Too busy accepting women of all body shapes to remember that men don’t need an eight pack and a jawline to have a valid place in society as well?
As ever, it’s not an easy adjustment we can make. But we need to encourage and support the boys, who history has named the oppressors for so long, while we continue to empower the minorities.
We need men who have confidence in their identity.
We need them.
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