On my instagram @that.isthequestion (this is your cue to follow my account if you don’t already) I asked for people to send me their queries on all things feminism, empowerment and body image.
I received some fantastic questions which I shall attempt to answer below. This blog is a space for conversation and exploration, and being able to involve you in my content is really energising.
So without further introduction, here goes!
What is the patriarchy and how does it affect everyone?
Patriarchy is not ‘men’. I think men often feel that discussion about the patriarchy means a personal attack on all things male. This is not what it means.
The patriarchy refers to the system where men have been viewed as the default and priority - economically, socially, politically and domestically; subsequently regarding all other genders as ‘other’ and enforcing their disadvantage.
Patriarchy is a set of beliefs and values. For instance, it justifies and enforces the gender pay gap by suggesting women’s child bearing ability makes them less reliable, thus less deserving of stability and career security.
It is a culture of misogyny and belittling of women. Rape jokes that are played off because ‘boys will be boys’ and telling little girls that if a boy hits them, ‘its probably because he has a crush on you!’.
It is the social pressure to conform to archaic gender expectations - for women to mold themselves in a manner that is palatable to the male gaze, to desperately try and fit the ideals of the beauty myth.
Some men may assume that the patriarchy disproportionately impacts women and only serves them advantageously. However, the binary distinctions of gender that the patriarchy promotes are damaging and restrictive to all.
Consider limiting paternity policies in the UK that presume the mother will be the primary parent thus devaluing the role of fathers.
Patriarchy is the subconscious voice that tells young men that vulnerability is weakness and their strength, stoicism and sexual dominance is what validates their masculinity. Patriarchy is so damaging that it has normalised sexist abuse in schools as a part of ‘lad culture’. It encourages homophobia, as ‘gayness’ is seen to be a threat to mascinline identity. For the men who have experienced sexual assault, it may restrict their ability to speak out and receive help for fear of ridicule.
So no, the patriarchy is not men. All genders are negatively impacted by its existence and all genders can perpetuate the patriarchy and enable its continued grip on society.
How is feminism as a movement evolving since the suffragettes and early 2000s?
Where to begin?!
Feminism’s evolution from both these time periods has been immense, in different ways.
As society grows we are faced with new problems and focuses. The suffragettes weren’t concerned about their instagram presence and fighting the ideal of the ‘heroin chic’, for instance. There were different ways of conveying protest and different battles were prioritised.
In many parts of the world, women have the vote, the right to education, the ability to be political leaders and govern countries. Legislation has been introduced to make marital rape illegal, to enable abortion, make divorce easier and less accusatory. Figureheads like Beyonce, The Spice Girls, Michelle Obama, bell hooks and Malala Yousafzai inspire young women and give them hope and drive to be and do whatever they want. Feminism isn’t quite the dirty word it used to be. ‘Girl bossing’ is far more trendy and mainstream.
We have the fantastic tool of the internet as a means of connection, communication and education - although, the emergence and the immediacy of the internet is a double edged sword. On the one hand, it has never been easier to join a movement, connect with people across the world and have a political voice. Yet, equally prominent in these online spaces are the trolls, the lies and the relentlessness of capitalism.
Feminism is a beautiful thing, because in its truest form it is all about equality, growth and reflection.
Sex discrimination and gender bias are immense issues that have shifted and warped through the decades so that we might be deceived into thinking that equality has been achieved like a tick box, when in reality sexism is just showing up in different forms. The impressive shapeshifter that it is - we think we’ve irradicated one problem while another is simultaneously emerging from the shadows.
This may sound pessimistic but it’s not. No social justice is a simple achievable set of goals that can be marked off a to do list.
There is much satisfaction and confidence to be taken from the huge steps forward the world has already seen. Many countries and general attitudes are more kind and embracing than they used to be.
Although there is more to accomplish, it is important to take time to reflect on our achievements.
Think of feminism as a river. With patches of strong flowing current and areas where it becomes a gentle stream, it is always moving forward.
From suffrage to social media, there are reasons to be grateful for social progress and reasons to keep fighting.
How do you respond to people saying: “we don’t need feminism in our modern world, women are now equal”?
I start by sighing internally and think about writing a new blog on the conversation I expect is about to follow.
I’ve learnt that if I want to engage and discuss with people who say this, or similar, they need to know I am approachable and able to listen.
There is no one way to respond to people who do not see feminism as relevant any more, especially when I could talk for days about the continued importance of the movement.
Basically - my advice is stay calm!
And try to communicate!
Stats and examples can be a good ally here.
Gently ask if they’ve heard of the protests in Iran?
Did they know that in parts of America women do not have autonomy over their bodies? Do they recall a woman called Sarah Everard? Did they ever get the impression when they were growing up that the colour pink, playing ‘mums and dads’, barbie dolls and pretty princesses were meant mostly for girls, while guns and cars, lego spaceships and all things blue were to be enjoyed by boys? If they grew up with two heterosexual parents at home, was it mum or dad who did most of the cooking, cleaning, schoolruns?
Do they think young boys are encouraged to be emotionally vulnerable? Is it fair that new fathers receive barely two weeks when it comes to paternity leave?
Yes! These issues regarding boys are feminist issues too.
Andrew Tate? Donald Trump? Perfect examples of the continued relevance of feminism.
You may not get this far with your conversation. It may be that this person has already become quite angry and defensive by talking about how many little boys love barbie dolls and how actually, it was their dad who did the majority of the cooking.
And didn't you hear, women have the vote now?
If possible, having pointed out some of these feminist concerns, the next move is ideally to ask what their understanding of the word 'feminism' is.
No, it actually isn’t about women becoming superior.
And yes, although we have a great deal more legislation to help enforce gender equality, there are still many ways in which the law could improve and much of the legislation that is in place doesn’t filter through to the normalised patriarchal culture.
I can’t imagine a world in which feminism isn’t relevant. Not only is it so broad, unfortunately I cannot envisage a society free of sex and gender discrimination.
We like to make divisions and judgements based on our differences and thus bridging those gaps and establishing equality is going to take a long time.
When faced with people who find my feminism aggravating or distasteful I try to surprise them by listening and engaging with their perspective.
Compassion and patience is the key. Openly communicating with those whose views oppose yours can be a chance for both parties to learn - even if that is simply discovering your level of tolerance!
What do you think about the expectation for men to pay on the first date and or buy drinks for girls?
Old fashioned chivalry? Or outdated gender expectations that reinforce female dependence and the concept of the male breadwinner?
Don’t get me wrong, it's a lovely treat to have things bought for you, no matter your gender! But I think problems arise when there is a sense of being owed, which is a big red flag.
If on a heterosexual date, the guy pays for dinner and drinks with a, possibly unintentional, expectation that his generosity will be rewarded at the end of the night with a shag or a cheeky blow job… Nope. Not good.
Even if this never crosses his mind - it may be considered by the woman and make her feel uncomfortable. And feeling you are in someone's debt when you didn’t actively choose to be, is a compromising position.
Maybe this doesn’t feature in either party’s thoughts and the date is fun but doesn't go anywhere, or after a great game of mini golf (that he paid for), they head back to hers and spend the rest of the afternoon in bed - who knows!
Yet money always has the potential to cause issues and paying for a date or for drinks can take away someone else’s autonomy. Furthermore, why is this expectation on men and boys?
What if the woman in this situation has a lot more to offer in the financial department, and yet her date feels crippled by a pressure to demonstrate his generosity by taking care of the bill?
It’s 2023, there are other ways to make a romantic and generous gesture without needing to involve money.
Also it’s just plain unfair that it should all come out of the guy’s pocket!
And how about a date between two men? Do they need to break out in a fight at the till? And two women on a night out? Do they need to find a resident male to pay for them? What about any gender non-conforming folk?
But, hold on, this might seem a tad dramatic.
Ultimately, it comes down to the individual.
Is this going to be an intimidating display of authority and dominance that makes someone feel they are in debt? Or is the dynamic such that taking care of the money shows a simple kindness?
I would like to think we can move away from men and boys needing to stress that any time they go out with a girl they are attracted to they ought to pay for things to show their interest.
Maybe I want to pay for my date’s drinks instead? Who’s to say I can’t be the assertively generous one?
Ideally we can shift away from the gender assumptions and allow who pays for what to be down to the individuals involved based on the dynamic they establish.
When does body acceptance at any size become an excuse for neglecting physical well-being?
In theory, never. Body acceptance is not an excuse or get out clause for anything. But I acknowledge this question is more complicated than that.
Working on your relationship with your body is inextricably intertwined with your relationship with food and exercise.
It can be easy to make the assumption that people with certain body types are ‘unhealthy’ and ‘unfit’, but how often do we know the full story?
Think of Lizzo, who has spoken out on many occasions about her size not being a demonstration of unhealthy living. Accepting and loving her body doesn’t mean that she doesn’t prioritise staying fit too. The two are not mutually exclusive.
The idea of ‘health’ and ‘physical well-being’ are incredibly nuanced. We all take care of our well-being in different ways. For example, not everyone enjoys the same type of exercise. Healthy practices for one person might be detrimental to someone else's mental and physical wellbeing. It's so individual.
In an ideal world, we could all find a happy balance of appreciating and accepting our bodies while staying physically fit and eating well.
I believe people of all body types should feel they deserve acceptance and compassion regardless of their physical health and wellbeing. The world is rough enough as it is; we could all benefit from a bit of unconditional love.
I think we also need to shift the dialogue around fitness and wellbeing so that it isn’t an extension of diet culture and fatphobia, because that isn’t helpful motivation for anybody.
The inevitable intersections of body image, health and wellbeing, particularly with regards to exercise, is a conversation that could do with more time and careful thought than it currently receives.
I don’t have the answer here; the relationship we have to our bodies and our well-being (however we understand that term) is very personal.
But perhaps the discourse and societal emphasis on thinness showing ‘health’ while larger, marginalised bodies are often regarded as ‘unhealthy’, is more damaging than neglecting physical well-being?
I’ve barely scratched the surface of this issue as there is so much to explore but I hope I’ve sparked some further conversation points.
As with all the questions I’ve answered, I would love to know your thoughts and follow up queries!
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